Memories
by Melchy
Summary: Carolyn Muir looks back on some very special memories.


MEMORIES

The Muir family and Daniel Gregg belong to 20th Century Fox and David Gerber Productions and I make no money off of them. Any other characters mentioned are mine and may not be used without express permission from me.

Thanks goes to Mara, Denise and Susan for helping me decide which version of this story to post, and to Susan for a great edit job.

Rating K+

Timeline: Three years after the run of the show, 1973.

As Carolyn lay in bed, it seemed to her that the storm outside was shaking the very foundations of the house. The shadows of the trees danced in the reflection of the French doors and she shivered without meaning along with them. After all these years she should know if this was a nor'easter or a southwest gale, she scolded herself, but she really wasn't sure. At this moment, she didn't care. It was a storm, pure and simple and her most fervent wish was for it to be over.

The windows were rattling and the shutters banged in rhythm and she was sure that if it kept up, the roof was going to blow right off the cottage. She looked around the darkened room, wondering where the resident spirit of Gull Cottage was and wishing he were with her now. She knew he was in the house, most likely making his rounds, but it would make her feel so much better to see his reassuring face and to hear the ,tale of a much worse storm survived at sea. The room became bathed in a flash of lightning and she resisted the urge to duck under the covers.

"Daniel!" she called out. "Daniel, where are you?

The only answer was the rumble of the thunder and another flash of lightning. She knew that the Captain took his role as protector seriously and she wouldn't want it any other way. In the last five years, they had gone from friends to best friends to a level of intimacy she had never experienced with any man, including her husband. Please come back soon, Daniel, she thought as she snuggled down under the covers.

"Mom?" she heard Candy's voice outside the door. "Mom, can I come in?"

"Of course, sweetie, come on in."

Her thirteen-year-old came into the room, shutting the door behind her. Her long blonde hair was tumbled from tossing and turning, her blue eyes looking slightly frightened. "Mom, I can't sleep. There's a tree or something beating on the window and it's kind of scary." she said, not caring that her mother might think she was being a baby. "Can I, can I get in bed with you for a little while?" she pleaded.

Carolyn smiled, throwing back the blue comforter, patting the spot beside her. "I don't see why not. No one is ever too old for a little mother comfort."

Candy climbed in beside her mother, happy to be in her warm embrace. "Where is Captain Gregg?"

"Making his rounds, no doubt." Carolyn answered, brushing the bangs out of her daughter's eyes.

"It always makes me feel safe to know he does that." the girl cuddled up against her mother.

"It does, doesn't it?" Carolyn agreed. "I was just thinking the same thing."

Absentmindedly, Carolyn ran a hand through Candy's hair while humming a little tune.

"Thank you, Mommy." Candy said quietly. "I feel so much better now."

"I'm glad honey." she kissed her daughter's forehead. "I'm just glad you're not too old to have your mother kiss you."

"I don't think I'll ever get that old. Just don't do it in front of other people." Candy managed to say before drifting off to sleep.

Carolyn kissed her once more, enjoying holding her close. Both Candy and Jonathan were getting entirely too big and grownup. It wouldn't be long before Candy would be talking about getting kisses from boys. As much as Carolyn feared that time, she looked forward to it for Candy. So many memories could be found in a kiss, good ones, bad ones...

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"Where's my Lynnie?" Grandfather Williams pretended he couldn't find five year old Carolyn. "What happened to my girl?"

Carolyn giggled, running from under the table to behind the living room drapes, her braid flying. Playing hide and seek with Grandpa was her favorite game in the whole world. He always pretended he couldn't find her and she always popped up just in time.

"Well, I give up." he said loudly, getting up from the floor where he was looking under the couch. "I guess I'll just have to get along without her. Too bad. I hate to eat ice cream all alone."

"Ice cream?" her voice had an anxious sound.

"Yes, ma'am, all by myself."

The little girl pushed back the curtains and made a double flip out of the window. "Here I am, Grandpa."

Jonathan Williams picked up the squirming bundle and placed her on his shoulder. "Vanilla, or chocolate, Bug-a-boo?"

"Strawberry." she giggled.

"You eat any more strawberry ice cream, you'll turn into one." he teased. Carefully, he spooned out two bowls of the solid pink dessert, placing one of them in front of the little girl.

Carolyn ate several spoonfuls before crawling on her grandfather's lap. "I love you, Grandpa."

"I love you too, Lynnie." She placed a sticky, cold kiss on his cheek. "Hey, you, that's cold." He placed a kiss on her forehead and then her nose, his moustache making her laugh. "I love you so much, Carolyn. I hope you never forget how much your Grandpa loves you."

As the older man tucked her in bed, he kissed her nose and bent down further so she could kiss his. It was their own ritual and one Carolyn insisted on or she 'couldn't sleep'. "Good night, Lynnie, sleep well."

Years later, at the church right after the funeral service, Carolyn made her excuses and slipped back in to the altar. Going over to the casket that held her beloved grandfather, she looked on his dear face for the last time. Reaching down, she kissed his forehead and then his nose, letting the tears fall freely. "Good night, Grandpa. I love you. Sleep well."

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The two little girls walked through the meadow, picking wildflowers and giggling.

"There he is again." Janie poked Carolyn in the ribs. "Matthew Murphy is staring at you."

"Why does he do that?" Carolyn asked her best friend, but secretly liking the fact that he did.

"He likes you." Janie wrinkled her freckled nose. "He's in love with you."

"EWWWW." the two girls chorused in true ten-year-old fashion.

"Jane Louise, we're leaving." the red-haired girl's father's voice cut into their play. "Come on now and thank the Murphy's for the nice picnic."

"See you later, Carey." she waved, leaving Carolyn standing among the clover.

"Carolyn?" she heard Matthew's quivering voice as he approached her. He held out a bouquet of flowers to her. "These are for you." he said shyly.

She took the offered flowers and smiled at the boy. He was kind of cute with his messy hair and face full of freckles. "Thank you Matt." she told him, flipping her blonde curls back in her sudden nervousness.

Before she knew what had happened, Matthew leaned forward and placed a kiss on her cheek and then took off running. "What was that all about?" she asked aloud to no one. Touching her cheek, she smiled. Maybe boys weren't so bad after all.

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It was an incredibly warm day, the hottest on record for the time of year the weatherman had said. Not that fifteen year old Carolyn had really paid attention to what the radio had said. The New Kensington Lightning Bolts were playing the Bridgeport Quakers for the district championships in baseball and the guys on both teams were trying their best despite the heat. Right now the Lightning Bolts were ahead by two runs but everyone knew how fast that could change. One of the Quakers was up at bat and the Bolts were in the field, tensed, ready to get him out no matter what.

Gary Bening waved to Carolyn from his position on the field and she felt a thrill go through her. They had been out on several dates and talk was flying thick and fast that they were a couple. Carolyn waved back and flashed him a smile, ignoring the lover-boy comment someone yelled down from the above bleachers. Hoping to get a better view, she stood up, pulling down her skirt that insisted on sticking to the back of her legs. The Quaker swung, the hit was beautiful. The Bolts were in hot pursuit of the ball, determined that neither he nor his team members waiting on base should reach home.

Gary had the fly ball in sight and reached up to grab it in his glove. He backed up a little too far and the whole student body groaned when he fell to the ground, his leg twisted underneath him, the ball lying on the ground beside him.

"Get the ball." the fans were shouting.

Gary reached out to pick it up but the pain in his leg was too intense and he couldn't reach over far enough. Several of the people watching, and some of the team members, began calling him a wimp.

"They are going to win, if you don't do something, Bening." he heard someone say.

"Someone help him off the field." the coach said. "We've already as good as lost." he said with disgust in his voice.

Gary managed to get up on his own and walked over to the side, leaning against the fence. He watched as the Quakers scored the three runs and the next batter came up.

"Gary?" He looked up to see Carolyn standing in front of him, her eyes filled with concern. She sat down beside him, handing him a cup of water. He drank it gladly, the cool liquid going down his parched throat.

"Thanks. I needed that, it's so hot." He sat the cup down beside him and quietly let out a curse word. "I really messed up, didn't I? We are going to lose the championship and it will be my fault."

"It's not your fault." Carolyn declared loyally. "It was a mistake, pure and simple. Are you all right? It's not broken, is it?"

"I don't think so, just sprained. Just enough to keep me out of the game."

Carolyn wanted to reassure him but wasn't sure what to say. "It's just a game, Gary. The important thing is that you're okay." she said shyly.

Gary picked up her hand and squeezed it. "Thanks, Carolyn." He leaned closer to her and she felt his lips on hers, growing into a real kiss. They held the kiss for several moments, neither one wanting it to end. Gary looked worried as he pulled back, like he had overstepped a boundary. Carolyn shook her head and he smiled until his eyes shone. Something had happened during that kiss, something so special she couldn't name it. It was much more than the rapid beating of her heart or even the glow coursing through her body. It was even more than the desire to be kissed again. It was a feeling she wouldn't find again for a very long time.

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She looked up into his face, not sure how to tell him this but knowing she had too. "Andrew, I don't think we should get married." He opened his mouth to protest but she took the ring off her finger, giving it to him, closing his hand around it.

"Carolyn, are you insane?" he finally managed. "What do you mean we shouldn't get married? I think it's very obvious that we should. I mean, I love you."

"I know you do, "she nodded. "But maybe in this case, that isn't enough." she didn't want to cry. She didn't want to appear weak, not in front of him. "I need more time to think about all of this. I mean, we have had some very good times but I don't think I'm ready for marriage and family right now. I'm only 19, I want to be myself for a while, Carolyn Williams, not Mrs. Andrew Fischer. Can you understand that?"

"I'm afraid I can't." he told her, shaking his head. "But if that is what you want, I will allow you to have it."

"See, Andrew, that is part of the problem. It's not up to YOU what I am allowed to have. You will make someone a good husband someday, it might even be me, but I somehow doubt it."

He sighed a long sigh, then took the ring and threw down into the water that whirled under the bridge they were standing on.

"What did you do that for?" she asked him, curious. "You might need that again someday."

"When I will do, it will be a different situation, even if it is for you." He leaned down and kissed her, a goodbye kiss that did not make her sad or regretful, but instead left her wondering what her future might hold.

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"Are you paying attention to me?" the young man rubbed Carolyn's arm, leaning over close to her face.

"Of course I am. I always pay attention to you." she smiled at him, thinking again how handsome he was.

"I taught you well." he took her hand in his and kissed it. "This is just a wonderful day, don't you think?"

She nodded her agreement. The breeze was gentle and smelled of apple blossoms, the birds were singing glad songs and the whole world seemed to be in love. Just like she was -- with Bobby.

"You know, Carolyn" he began. "I've been doing some thinking." His fingertips outlined her hand in lazy circles. "I think that perhaps, since I'm so very fond of you and you seem to like me, that we should get married. What do you think?"

Carolyn looked at Robert Muir with a questioning look. "Are you proposing?"

"I am. I want you to be my wife, Carolyn. I've never wanted anything more. Please say yes." his blue eyes begged.

She looked the young man over, savoring every feature. They had dated for over a year and she knew she was desperately in love with him. He had to be the man she had been looking for. "Yes, Robert Muir, I will marry you."

"Thank you." he smiled, pulling her tight against him. "I am the happiest man on earth at this moment."

He kissed her with a passion she had never felt before. Surely this was what she should do with her life. She was meant to marry Robert Muir and be with him forever. She returned his kiss with the same intenseness, running her hand through his hair. "I love you, Bobby," she said.

"I feel the same way." he told her. "Everything will be wonderful from now on."

If anyone had told Carolyn that having a baby was this painful, she might not have agreed to it.

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Twenty-six hours of labour, praying that the pain would end, was something she never wanted to do again. She tried to picture the people waiting out in the reception area: her father drinking from a bottomless cup, her mother pacing, stopping every doctor that passed by. Was Bobby out there now? He hadn't been home when the pains had started. She had had to call her father and have him call Mrs. Muir to get hold of Bobby. Surely he would be there by now. He was excited about the baby, he would be there. It was in the final hours of labour that the doctor told her that her husband was indeed awaiting the arrival of their child.

"He seemed to think I was not letting you deliver faster on purpose." the man smiled at Carolyn. "New fathers!"

When it was finally over and they laid her tiny daughter in her arms, Carolyn knew it had been worth everything. The baby's head was covered with yellow fuzz, her eyes wide and so blue it was like looking at the sky. The newborn girl took one look at her mother and sneezed, making Carolyn laugh in delight. Could anything be more wonderful than motherhood?

"We've decided to name you Candace," she informed her. "Your father and I wanted to give you a unique name for a special girl."

Gently she placed a kiss on her daughter's soft forehead, letting her lips linger on the warm skin. The baby squirmed and started to cry. Life was indeed perfect.

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"You are not listening to me." his voice was sharp. "I told you before and I'm telling you again that I cannot get out of this trip to Chicago. I told you that it's very important for me to go to this conference. Why can't you understand that?"

"I understand it perfectly, Robert." her voice sounded harsh but she didn't care. "What I'm not understanding is the fact that you had to go to Boston last week for a conference and the week before that it was Detroit and before that it was Montreal. Why, all of a sudden, are you being required to go to all these places?" her face was one big question.

He sat down on the couch beside her, taking her hand in his. "Carolyn, honey, look at me." She refused to meet his gaze. He turned her head forcefully, making her look him in the eye. "I have a very important position at the university. I am the youngest full professor of economics in the history of Temple. I have a certain reputation to live up to. And that includes going to these conferences. I only will be gone for three days and then I'll be back. You won't even have time to miss me."

"It's too late for that, Robert. I already do miss you. I don't see Paul or Mike going away every weekend for their job. Or are they not as important as you are?"

"Don't get smart, Carolyn. It doesn't become you." he snapped. "You have become so petty lately. I'm almost afraid to do anything for fear you'll fly off the handle. I don't feel like I have any freedom."

"Freedom? Freedom from what or who? Me? The children? What?" She withdrew her hand from his, getting up and walking over to the sliding doors. Her hands crossed in front of her chest, like a barrier that he dared not cross.

"Carolyn, please. I need you to understand what this will mean to us. You know that you are so special to me, but there are some things I have to do. I can't spend the rest of my life tied down to you. I have to spread my wings a little. You know I always come back to you."

"Do I?" she looked him straight in the eye. "I'm not so sure anymore." He walked over to her, trying to pull her to him, but she backed away. "Do you still love me, Bobby?"

"Of course I do! Why are you asking such a silly question? We've been married for six years and have two kids, for crying out loud."

"Say it then. Say 'I love you, Carolyn'."

"You are such a child at times. I've got to go or I will miss my plane." He leaned over and kissed her lips, lingering for a second. "I'll be back in three days. I hope you'll be in a better mood by then."

He died two days later. The only thing she could think of was his last kiss, and wondering if maybe they hadn't had it a lot earlier than she realized.

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She had never been so nervous in her entire life, she was sure. It wasn't such a big thing, she told herself. Surely if she did some research, she would discover that other people had shared a residence with a ghost. It had to be more common than she was thinking. Surely it was not a big problem, she could handle this. There was no reason to be nervous.

She soon found other reasons to be nervous in his presence. Captain Daniel Gregg was the most incredible man she had ever seen, magnificent was the first word that had come to her mind. Seeing him their first night in Gull Cottage, she hadn't feared him after the initial reaction but had rather found herself fascinated.

He was -- she couldn't think of enough words to describe him properly. He was aggravating, rude, determined, vain, pompous and overbearing. He was also kind, funny, and, dare she say it? sweet. And he was, well, there was no other word for it, he was sexy.

Many times during the course of her stay at Gull Cottage, she had wondered what it would be like to be held in his arms, to kiss his lips, to make love to him. Why was it that when she fell in love, it had to be with an illusion? She had tried to kiss him once in a dream, but it had ended before it began. In another dream, their lips had met in a kiss, but it wasn't enough. How she longed for even five minutes to kiss him, to experience his strength, to feel him become part of her.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, leaning over her shoulder. "You seem lost in your thoughts."

"I was just enjoying the night air." she told him. "It's such a beautiful night."

"Are you ever sorry you left Philadelphia?" she was surprised to hear him ask.

"Never," she was adamant. "It's the best thing I ever did in my life."

"Even though..." he began.

"Even though what?"

"You know there is nothing more in the world I want than to be able to place a kiss on  
your lips." he said quietly. "I would die again and gladly, to be able to do so."

"How did you know what I was thinking?" she was surprised, she admitted it.

"I always know what you are thinking." his voice made her tremble.

"Always?"

"Always." She saw his hand come toward hers and she closed her eyes, thinking if she wished hard enough they would make contact. It didn't happen, and she knew now it never would. "I do love you, Carolyn." he said softly." I love you more than I can bear to think of and wonder if you think you could love me too."

"I think I always have."

Sometimes it wasn't the actual kiss, she thought, but the memory of one could linger just the same.

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Carolyn heard a strange noise downstairs and decided she had better get up and investigate. Candy was still curled up beside her, sleeping the sleep of the innocent. The storm had slacked somewhat, but the noise was getting louder. She wished Daniel were here. Where was he keeping himself? Picking up Jonathan's baseball bat on her way down the stairs, she crept slowly into the front room. The sound was coming from outside and she felt her knees tremble underneath her.

It was a constant beating, like someone was trying to open the window. Edging closer to the window seat, she moved cautiously. There it was again, her heart was beating fast. Suddenly she heard a huge crash and she lifted the bat above her head, ready to strike whatever was coming through the window.

"Don't do that." the Captain's voice was strong, as was his grasp as he took the bat from her. He indicated she should go to the couch and he soon followed "You could hurt yourself or someone else."

"I heard a noise and a crash." she was trembling even more now.

"It was the wind making the noise. I'm afraid I made the crash. I dropped a milk bottle in the kitchen."

"Oh thank goodness." she placed a hand on her heart. "I was so scared. The storm was so bad and I, you weren't there."

"I'm always here." he soothed. "Always remember that. I'm always here."

Feeling safe in his presence she smiled at him, thinking again how incredible he was and how much she loved him. "Always?"

"Always."

They sat in the room with only the flickering fire for light and even though a kiss would be nice, she knew now that being with the one you loved was one of the nicest memories anyone could ever want.

Memories were wonderful in all aspects. Memories and kisses paved the way of your life and shaped the path. Good ones and bad ones, all were part of life. It was just up to you what you did with them.


End file.
